In my years of working with couples and individuals navigating love and relationships, I have observed a recurring and painful pattern. What begins as affection slowly becomes confinement. What starts as closeness gradually turns into control. And by the time one person realises what has happened, the relationship no longer feels like a partnership. It feels like a cage.
Love was never designed to imprison. Healthy love strengthens identity, expands capacity, and refines character. It creates safety without removing freedom. When love begins to suffocate rather than support, something has shifted beneath the surface. One of the clearest warning signs that love has become unhealthy is the loss of choice. Commitment must always be chosen. It cannot be coerced. If you feel that you do not have the right to walk away, to express disagreement, or to set boundaries, you are no longer in a space of love. You are in a space of control.
Even Scripture presents love as voluntary. In Book of Deuteronomy 30:19, God sets life and death before His people and invites them to choose. The highest form of love honours freedom. If divine love does not force, human love has no right to.
Another common pattern I see is the “constant demand dynamic.” Some relationships operate like endless audits. One partner is always required to prove loyalty, demonstrate devotion, or reassure the other. This is not security. It is insecurity seeking constant validation.
In psychological terms, this often stems from anxious attachment. In spiritual language, it resembles idolatry. An idol constantly demands sacrifice but never gives life in return. A relationship that consistently extracts emotional energy without nurturing your well-being becomes draining rather than life-giving.
Healthy love does involve sacrifice. But sacrifice must be chosen, not imposed. There is a significant difference between willingly giving and being pressured to surrender parts of yourself to maintain peace. Sacrifice strengthens connection. Self-erasure weakens identity.
A relationship should preserve your value, not erode it. If you find yourself shrinking, censoring your personality, or abandoning your convictions to keep someone comfortable, the dynamic is unhealthy. Love should refine who you are, not replace who you are.
Another red flag is rushed intimacy. When someone insists on knowing you completely, emotionally or physically, within a short time frame, it often signals control rather than depth. True intimacy unfolds gradually. Trust is built in layers. Emotional safety must precede vulnerability.
Jesus’ relational model reflects this wisdom. In Gospel of John 16:12, He told His disciples that there were things they were not ready to bear yet. That is emotional intelligence. That is patience. That is respect for capacity.
Love that pressures is not mature love. It is urgency disguised as devotion. It is also important to address guilt-tripping. If someone repeatedly makes you feel guilty for setting boundaries, spending time independently, or making healthy decisions, they are using emotional leverage. Guilt is not a measure of love. It is a tool of manipulation when misused.
True love does not thrive on catching you at your worst. It seeks to meet you at your best. It does not weaponize your vulnerabilities. It protects them. There is a profound truth many people struggle to accept. Often, the relationships we are most afraid to leave are the very ones quietly eroding our peace. Fear-based attachment is not love. It is insecurity. When you remain in a relationship solely because you are afraid of losing it, you compromise both dignity and clarity. Healthy love feels secure, not suffocating. It feels stable, not volatile. It does not demand constant proof because it rests in trust. It does not silence your voice because it values your perspective.
If you begin to feel that a relationship is stealing your identity, examine it carefully. Anything that consistently reshapes you into someone you were never meant to be deserves reflection. Love should expand your sense of self, not diminish it.
A simple test is this. Does this relationship strengthen me? Does it preserve my values? Does it respect my boundaries? Does it allow gradual growth? If the answer is consistently no, then what you are experiencing may not be love.
